In the music world, anything you do wrong will come back to bite you on the arse, ten-fold. It just seems that some people will never learn, as this motley crew of unfortunates found out to their horror when their lives took a shift downwards on the old ‘luck’ stakes...

LIP SYNCING OUTS MILLI VANILLI AS FRAUDS!

OK, hands up who ever bought a Milli Vanilli record? It’s OK, we’re a very non-judgemental lot here at Musicmuso. Not really, we’ve all just had a bloody good laugh at you. But really, even if you remember this pair of prancing pretty-boys, did you really think they were up to something as heinous as miming to their own records? Made up of Rob Pilatus and Fabrice Morvan, Milli Vanilli were put together by producer Frank Farian. After selling over 30 million albums worldwide, which means at least ONE of you lot bought one of their LPs, and winning a Grammy award for Best New Artist in 1990, things were destined to go tits up. It always does. At a live gig, a backing tape began jittering, revealing the secret that the pair couldn’t actually sing and had someone else do all their dirty work for them. The utter bastards.

What then?

After the scandal broke, Pilatus and Morvan moved to LA, and began recording under the name Rob & Fab, because, you know, that was the truth. The single they released under this name, ‘We Can Get It On’ was hardly marketed and as a result, did exceedingly crap in the charts. A comeback was planned for 1998 (although God knows why – they were shit back then, why they thought public opinion had altered in the eight years since their reputations were pillaged is anyone’s guess) but somewhat mercifully Rob Pilatus died of a suspected alcohol and drug overdose in a German hotel, and the comeback was shelved. Because, well, you can’t have Milli Vanilli without one of the original members, can you? Even if they didn’t actually do any singing anyway...

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Justin Bieber. He’s already two-thirds of the way towards having a Britney-style mental breakdown. Finding out his infinitely more ugly long-long brother actually did the vocals for all his releases would be the icing on the cake.

MADONNA’S BLACK JESUS!

Madonna, while her career isn’t as shit-hot as it once used to be, is still a pretty big draw in the music industry. So, at the height of her powers in the late 1980s, with three chart-friendly albums under her belt and with drinks company Pepsi shoving $5 million her way to make an advert for their brand of brown, suger-laden fizzy pop, she could hardly refuse. The campaign was timed around her new album ‘Like A Prayer’. While the song itself featured in the advert (no problems there, after all that’s what Pepsi wanted) there was also the small issue of Madonna developing marks on her hands that looked suspiciously like stigmata, a crucifix on fire, and something else that annoyed the advertisers that I can’t quite put my finger on...oh yes, the BLACK GUY PLAYING JESUS. That was it. Now, we’re a very liberal bunch here at musicmuso, who certainly don’t advocate any form of racism. I say, why can’t Jesus have been black? You can get black German people now, apparently. I think I saw one playing in the last World Cup.

What then?

The advert was swiftly pulled, Catholic people vowed to set fire to Madonna in the street (perhaps not that extreme), although Mads herself got to keep her $5 million. Which seems fair enough seeing as you’ve got the entire Catholic religion on your arse. Oh yes, and Pepsi basically said they didn’t want anything more to do with Madonna and cancelled their sponsorship deal.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Oh come on, there’s only one person this COULD happen to now – Lady Gaga. Well, her or Pete Doherty.

CHUCK BERRY – WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO (EVEN ON VIDEOTAPE)!

Yes Chuck Berry is a revered and renowned guitarist, practically single-handedly purported to have invented early rock and roll. It has also been said he performed one of the first carjackings, in 1944 – but we’re not here to talk about that. No. It’s also been said that Berry made his own sex-tape (sort of) where he is meant to be shown pissing on a young girl in a bath. Now we’ve all done the odd stealthy wee in the shower or bath, haven’t we? Haven’t we? Please tell me that’s not just me...but I’m pretty sure we’ve not filmed ourselves doing said stealthy wee in a rather extrovert manner, over another person. Of course, in the tradition of such grand defamatory theories, the man in the video has never been proven to be Berry.

What then?

Perhaps somewhat tellingly, Berry did not take the distributors of the tape to court, which many people took as an admission of guilt. Of course, the fact he might not have known the tape had been leaked (sorry for the pun) or perhaps wanted to distance himself from the horrid act (which most people probably would’ve done) didn’t come into it.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Ooh, it’d have to be someone with a really squeaky-clean image. As tempting as it is to say Bieber again, I’m going to go for One Direction. You know, have some girl in a bath-tub, getting pissed on by all five of them at the same time. Rivers of piss everywhere. The only problem is, there’s probably girls out there who would PAY to get pissed on by One Direction. Which means the wee blighters can get away with anything.

DURAN DURAN’S RUBBER COCKS!

Not the band most associated with moulding their own rubber sex toys from their own manhood, Duran Duran were unfortunately tarnished with this brush in 2001 when guitar player Warren Cuccurullo did exactly that. Dubbing it the ‘Rock Rod’ (not Stewart), the resulting, ahem, ‘flesh-like member’ was apparently what you’d find if you yanked down Warren’s pants onstage. Well, if he was excited, that is.

What then?

It was said that Cuccurullo went into the porn business, but has now distanced himself from all that, instead concentrating on making music and dabbling in the odd 9/11 conspiracy theory business.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Phil Collins. The world is crying out for a Phil Collins dildo. Perhaps.

JACKO ARRESTED FOR GETTING DOWN WITH THE KIDS!

Not one, but two child-related sex scandals for the King of Pop, who of course is no longer with us. In 1993, Jordan Chandler accused Jackson of getting touchy-feely, and settled out of court for a rumoured $20 million. You think he might have learned to keep his nose clean and his hands where everyone could see them, but in 2003, further molestation charges were brought by the parents of Gavin Avizo, who was fourteen at the time. Bugger it. Actually, don’t – that’ll just get you in more trouble.

What then?

Jackson fled the country and went to live in Bahrain as a guest of the Sheikh Abdullah.  He began working on what was thought to be a new album in 2007, and also collaborated with artists such as Akon and will.i.am on remixes for an anniversary version of his ‘Thriller’ album. After a proposed residency at London’s O2 Arena was announced, Jackson went and died on us in June 2009.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Well...this is a dilemma, isn’t it? Do I publicly say which pop star I’d like to see outed for paedophilia and kiddy-fiddling? Hmm, dangerous (a bit like a sleep-over at Jackson’s place, one would think). Let me take a step back and suggest the person I’d most like to see knocked off their current pop perch, to be dealt a low-blow,  to get cut down to size. Brought down a peg or two...that sort of thing. That person is undoubtedly Simon Cowell. There are legions of people who think The X Factor has now run its course, and Britain’s Got Talent is swiftly becoming an X Factor spin-off with the amount of singers on the programme. I’d love to see Cowell papped in a compromising position while wearing lacy knickers, suspenders and holding a comically large dildo slathered in lubricant. Not for kicks, you understand – just so he attracts the wrong sort of press attention.

SEX PISTOLS GET SWEARY!

It’s the most famous f-bomb on television – a group of four loutish, rag-tag guys gathered on Thames Today for an interview, broadcast live (probably unwisely). When the presenter of the show, Bill Grundy, flirted with one of the Sex Pistols’ groupies, Steve Jones (the bass player) proceeded to call him a dirty bastard, as well as other things that generally aren’t a good idea to call someone on live television.

What then?

Perhaps somewhat unfairly, the Pistols’ tour was cancelled, and they were dropped by their record label. Christ, imagine what would happen if you did that nowadays – the band would probably sue you for loss of earnings. Oh, and this whole episode managed to kick start the punk movement, seeing as it was 1976.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Cliff Richard. Although he’s not as prolific with his studio output nowadays, Cliff has been straight-laced for almost his entire career (apart from that blip where he sang a song about a prostitute, apparently without realising). Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see Cliff, wasted off his tits at his Spanish villa, being interviewed by Daybreak embarrassment Kate Garroway, slurring his words a la Kerry Katona, before getting violent, smashing a jug of orange juice and demanding “more absinthe” from his personal assistant, before getting up, pissing over the balcony and asking Kate if she fancies it up the arse. It’d be magnificent.

JARVIS COCKER’S BUM RUSH!

The BRIT Awards, 1996. Michael Jackson has just taken to the stage for a rendition of his No.1 hit ‘Earth Song’. Rather refreshed, Pulp front-man Jarvis Cocker, sick of Jackson’s Christ-like act unfolding before him, decides to take action. Scooting onto the stage, slipping past security, and proceeded to waggle his arse at the crowd in protest. In the melee, some children were injured. While this counts as a scandal, it’s also one of the most divisive acts of stage invasion ever. Was Cocker making a stand for (excuse the pun) the common people? Or was he just being a gigantic knob showing a complete lack of respect for another performing artist?

What then?

Cocker explained his actions by saying ‘The music industry allows him to indulge his fantasies because of his wealth and power. People go along with it even though they know it’s a bit sick. I just couldn’t go along with it anymore.” Fair enough. Cocker spent the night in the cells at the local nick for his trouble, emerging to a mostly hero’s welcome for his efforts. Pulp continued as a musical entity until 2002, when they went on a near ten-year hiatus. Jackson managed to get embroiled in more (too) child-friendly escapades and died in 2009.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Personally, I’d have loved to see someone do a successful stage invasion during a So Solid Crew (RIP) live performance. There was (at last count) about 360 members of that band (including, at one stage on the group’s Wikipedia page, Richard Madeley), so sneaking onto the stage and convincing the entire collective you weren’t part of it would’ve been one hell of a challenge. Unless you were white. I don’t think they had any Caucasians in the band. Not even Richard Madeley.

GEORGE MICHAEL’S TOILET SHENANIGANS!

In a move that made a million housewives choke on their Ready Brek (as if finding out the man was gay wasn’t enough), George Michael shocked the world when he was arrested during a 1998 undercover police operation in Los Angeles for propositioning a policeman with his cock out. As Harry Hill would say, ‘dirty boy...in your bed!’.

What then?

Despite the furore caused by such a catastrophically disappointing act, Michael was determined not to let such a thing derail his pop career. He managed to turn the whole escapade into a fantastically funky, disco-tinged single in the form of ‘Outside’. And people liked it enough to buy it in their droves. Unfortunately, George’s dabbles with the law weren’t over, which saw him some years later crashing his car into a shop while looking distinctly ripped off his tits and then being involved in a motorway accident where he was thrown from his vehicle.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Anyone who has ever won a televised singing/talent show.

GARY GLITTER DOWN THE SHITTER!

Ah, how the world turns. If there’s a golden rule to live by as a famous person, it is that any (and I mean ANY) skeleton in your closet will eventually be cast out and used as a stick to beat you around the head until your skull collapses. Which is exactly what happened to Paul Gadd (aka Gary Glitter). After a famously camp career in the 70s and 80s, the former prince of pop was suddenly the pauper of pop when he was arrested for possessing thousands of hideous child porn images. Slung in jail for his crimes, upon his release he moved to Cambodia, where he was arrested again, and then Vietnam, where trouble of a distinctly underage sort followed him. A Vietnamese court found him guilty in 2006, and was deported back to Britain at the end of his sentence, where he began a lifelong term on the Sex Offender’s Register.

What then?

After putting The Glitter Band out of business – seriously, would YOU book them for your Christmas party? – and ensuring nobody could ever listen to ‘Doctorin’ The Tardis’ ever again without feeling vaguely nauseous, Glitter went into hiding and was arrested yet again in 2012 after the furore of the Jimmy Savile sex scandal opened another can of worms. Oh, and a collection of hits and B-sides entitled ‘All That Glitters’ came out in 2011, just in case you wanted to add that to your Christmas list.

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

Again, we’ve entered paedo territory here, haven’t we? It seems dreadfully popular amongst pop stars, doesn’t it? I’m sticking to my guns and not sullying anyone’s reputation by hoping they become embroiled in a paedo-scandal. It wouldn’t be right.

FRED DURST DOES A SEX TAPE!

It’s 2005, and your band is in a bit of a shit-storm, mainly because everyone who bought that album with the ‘Mission: Impossible 2’ theme tune on it have now grown-up and realised you suck balls. When a mini sex-tape clip was leaked onto the wonders of the internet, it’s safe to say the world felt a little bit sorry for Limp Bizkit front-man and red-cap worrying tosspot Fred Durst. Not sorry that his most intimate of moments had been broadcast to the entire world, but that whole thing seemed a bit...fake. Durst claimed the clip of him getting a blow-job off some fittie was ‘stolen from his computer’, but many believe he leaked the footage himself to boost his popularity. A mission he might have succeeded in if it wasn’t for the stupid fucking noises he made in the film.

What then?

After a 2005 greatest hits album, the band went on a break and reformed to release ‘Gold Cobra’ in 2011. They’re currently recording their (can you believe it) seventh album, entitled ‘Stampede of the Disco Elephants’ (really).

Which band/singer would we love this to happen to again?

I’d love to see what Daft Punk do with a sex-tape. They’d have their helmets on for the duration, obviously. It’d probably feature two robots fingering each other’s motherboards, before they both explode. But done in a seedy looking hotel room, with really shit lighting.

Pete Muscutt is currently in a small, dark room at the back of a closed down, boarded-up pub somewhere on the Dorset coast, slowly rocking back and forth in a foetal position, trying to make sense of his life after witnessing still images of the Fred Durst sex tape. He might be OK in time for next week’s column, but we seriously doubt it. If you see him, give him a cuddle and a Tangle Twister.