GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL, renowned as ‘The Best the UK has to offer’ and is certainly up there with the likes of other large scale events such as COACHELLA, BURNING MAN and European offerings such as PRIMAVERA SOUND (but without the guarantee of splendid weather). This statement may have been true in the past but after seeing the final lineup for 2024, I question if this is still the case? 

 

Let’s take a look at the PYRAMID STAGE headliners. 

 

DUA LIPA 

Okay, I get it, she’s popular but is she headline material? She seems to live on TikTok and I appreciate that she is certainly up there, backed by her army of teenage fans but come on, she ain’t no Taylor Swift and whilst we’re on the topic, why have we not managed to secure Taylor Swift? She is certainly more of a headliner than Dua Lipa is and given the INSANE amount of money in the Glasto magic porridge pot, I’m sure they could spunk a cool fee on an act that really would set tongues wagging. 

 

COLDPLAY 

A band so vanilla that even their middle-aged army of henpecked husbands around the world have taken their CD’s to the local charity shop which will no doubt end up in a landfill being pecked at by seagulls until they eventually biodegrade into the earth. Apart from the recent AI generated video that IDLES created using Coldplay’s video for ‘Yellow’, I don’t think that Messrs Martin et al have released anything worthy of note. I doubt I’ll be staying up for this car crash but I guess it will allow them to jump on the bandwagon and spout political messages about whatever is in vogue come June 2024 via one of the biggest stages in the world, wake me up when it’s over.... 

 

SZA 

Now I’ll be completely honest here, but I have NEVER even heard of this act/artist/band so I am powerless to say good things or bad about them/he/she. Let’s take a look on Wikipedia to see if their intro jogs my memory.... 

Solána Imani Rowe (born November 8, 1989), known professionally as SZA (/ˈsɪzə/ SIZ-ə), is an American singer-songwriter. She first gained recognition through her self-released extended plays (EPs), See.SZA.Run (2012) and S (2013), which helped her become the first female artist to sign with Top Dawg Entertainment. Her third EP, Z (2014), was her first project to be released to digital retailers and reached the top-ten on the US Independent Albums chart. 

Nope, I’m still none the wiser. I’ll leave it to you to dig deeper on this headliner as I neither have the time or desire to do so. 

Let’s move away from the Pyramid stage and into the deeper depths of the festival to see if things get any better... 

 

OTHER STAGE 

Okay, so we wandered round the back of the Pyramid stage, through the walkway and find ourselves looking at the OTHER STAGE. Now, in my opinion, all Michael and Emily need to do is to replace the PYRAMID STAGE headliners with the OTHER STAGE headliners and the festival would be 1000 times more appealing, just my thoughts. 

IDLES are a band very much at the top of their game, having just released their 5th studio album ‘TANGK’, they are riding high and are currently engaged in a world tour, worthy headliners in my opinion. 

Other headliners include DISCLOSURE and THE NATIONAL, two great acts that deserve to be up there with the best. I saw them DISCLOSURE boys at Boardmasters a few years back and they were epic, as for THE NATIONAL, I have never had the pleasure of enjoying them live but am a big fan of their recordings so expect a great time on this stage. 

If this wasn’t enough, THE STREETS, TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB, BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB, BLOC PARTY, THE LAST DINNER PARTY and NOTHING BUT THIEVES are also playing on the OTHER STAGE so plenty to be excited for. 

 

WEST HOLTS 

I’m not 100% sure if the smaller stages have headline acts but I have singled out a few that are well worth seeing. First up, French electro duo JUSTICE, wow, what an act, their show will be amazing and this is one act that I for one am sad to be missing but I will tune in from my front room to watch it from the comfort of my sofa!

BRITTANY HOWARD is an artist that I have loved for years and am really excited about watching, being the main songwriter for ALABAMA SHAKES and also the bass player for her side project THUNDERBITCH (what a name) you can expect an eclectic set from this powerhouse performer.

I heard a new track from CORINNE BAILEY RAE a while back which I swore was not her, it sounded completely different from anything that she has put out before, so again, another act to get excited for.

SQUID are a band that have always amazed me, from the first time I saw them on stage in Exeter to last year’s appearance at Boardmasters Festival, they always deliver. With their rather off kilter approach to music and the fact that the whole band can play just about any musical instrument, you never know what to expect but come the end of their set, you feel satisfied and fulfilled.  

 

WOODSIES 

There is a strong emphasis on dance music this year with acts such as JAMIE XX, ROMY, JAMES BLAKE and others, it will surely be a joyous celebration of music in this not so well know area of the festival. They mix it up a bit with other killer acts such as SLEAFORD MODS, THE FAT WHITE FAMILY and YARD ACT, another band riding high from the recent release of their sophomore album ‘Where’s My Utopia?’ which is selling like hot cakes on a cold winter’s day.  

 

THE PARK 

The last stage we’re going to focus on is THE PARK, a stage which has undergone an injection of interest over the past few years and is now a mainstay for many Glasto revellers who would rather steer clear of the BRIT AWARD themed pantomime which is the PYRAMID STAGE. This stage fuses the very finest alternative and indie acts together in a sublime list that would make your Great Grandad tap his toes to. Acts including FONTAINES DC, THE BREEDERS and BAXTER DURY (son of Ian Dury) will be making some noise for you to bop to along with more chilled acts including LONDON GRAMMAR, KING KRULE and MOUNT KIMBIE. A sterling lineup if ever I saw one. 

 

SO, to summarise GLASTONBURY 2024 (or if you’re from America, GLASTONBERRY), the lineup is as diverse as it ever is, there are over 100 stages hosting all manner of acts from across the world. The smaller stages seem to have won the battle of the bands this year with some amazing names performing whilst the PYRAMID STAGE is looking rather bleak in comparison. Did I mention that the ‘Legends’ slot on Sunday afternoon is the one and only SHANIA TWAIN, now I could drop a line in here about that not impressing me much, but I’m not going to stoop that low, you’d only refer to it as lazy journalism and that my friends is not me! 

 

Please note that this is purely the opinion of a 51-year-old writer who has been to more festivals than the majority of you have had hot dinners so please take them with a pinch of salt, I am getting more and more bitter and twisted the older I get, and I don’t think that things will improve anytime soon. 

 

GLASTONBURY FESTIVAL is a magical place, one of THE finest festivals in the world so go and enjoy yourselves, eat, drink, be merry, chat to strangers, dance like nobody’s watching, visit the HEALING FIELDS, get a cider from the CIDER BUS and forget about everyday life for the time you are there, that will be waiting for you when you get back home! 

 

Words by Steve Muscutt