Hello, and welcome to musomuso's coverage of the BRITs 2024 or should it be renamed to the RAYEs?, the pinnacle of award ceremonies in the music business and the absolute vanguard of what passes for quality in this day and age…..stop fucking sniggering at the back!

Dua Lipa is here to open up for us (goodness, I just realised how that reads - I assure you she didn't "open up" like that, although part of me wishes she would, she's quite the fox) with a dark red box-dye job and lots of leather. She also appears to be singing live, which is nice. Far too many backing dancers on stage though; I bet the health and safety paperwork for that performance was an absolute twat. My goodness, there's people on wires flipping about and everything. Lots of tables set out, and good to see the music biz types enjoying the free booze - by golly gosh they've earned it…… 

Polite applause for Dua. Well done. Our hosts tonight are Gary Kemp's brother's son, Clara Amfo and Maya Jama, three people now being the benchmark since 2023, after 2022 host Mo Gilligan, Jack Shitehall and Dermot O'Bleary weren't available. I believe Alison Hammond got asked, but she was attending the opening of her own legs whilst sat on the bog in Croydon. It seems not even her agent could get her the BRITs, which must have pissed her off IMMENSELY. Apparently on the pre-show, they found Martin Kemp in the Lost Property box, which is worrying. Maya bangs home the point she's just finished presenting 'Love Island', which isn't something I'd be bandying about willy nilly. 

After a gash Kiss Cam skit, it's time for the first award - Jo Hamilton and Monica Dolan are presenting (they were in that Post Office drama on ITV, so naturals to present a BRIT). Monica quotes Michael Caine in 'The Italian Job' (???). They do an impassioned post-masters speech, which is perhaps predictable.

SONG OF THE YEAR

----------------

CALVIN HARRIS & ELLIE GOULDING (MIRACLE), CASSO, RAYE & D-BLOCK EUROPE - PRADA, CENTRAL CEE (LET GO), DAVE & CENTRAL CEE (SPRINTER), DUA LIPA (DANCE THE NIGHT), ED SHEERAN (EYES CLOSED), J HUS FT. DRAKE (WHO TOLD YOU), KENYA GRACE (STRANGERS), LEWIS CAPALDI (WISH YOU THE BEST), PINKPANTHERESS (BOY'S A LIAR), RAYE FT. 070 SHAKE (ESCAPISM), RUDIMENTAL, CHARLOTTE PLANK & VIBE CHEMISTRY (DANCING IS HEALING), STORMZY FT. DEBBIE (FIREBABE), SWITCH DISCO & ELLA HENDERSON (REACT), VENBEE & GODDARD (MESSY IN HEAVEN)

How can the shortlist be THAT long? For fuck's sake...Good to see J Hus on the list though, he's always there. Not sure if he's ever won bugger all, but there you go. He's a trier, that's for sure.  Lewis Capaldi as well - he must be wetting himself laughing after releasing the same song about fourteen times in a row. None of these are the best song of the past year, though, are they? The winner is: Raye, who couldn't even release a song on her own, and had to rope in a couple of mates. Christ, she looks annoying. A bit of a screamer. She seems to be dressed like one of The Ronnettes. I guess Raye winning Song of the Year was a given, as she won Songwriter of the Year earlier this week. Figures. I thought she thanked Black Sabbath in her speech, but it was a chap called Mike Sabbath. Maybe he should start a tribute band….

Next award - Group of the Year. Billie-Jo Strongarm and...one of the other ones from Green Day are here to present. Not sure what's happened to Billie-Jo's hair. The other one looks like an android with plastic-effect skin.

GROUP OF THE YEAR

-----------------

BLUR, CHASE & STATUS, HEADIE ONE & K-TRAP, JUNGLE, YOUNG FATHERS

Won by...Jungle. At least they've turned up - quick shot of Young Fathers, who look fucking gutted to lose to have lost. I'm not familiar with Jungle, to be fair, but they do use a jolly good font on their band logo, so perhaps that's it. I was surprised Chase & Status were nominated, I honestly didn't think they were still going. Despite promising to keep their speech short and sweet, they go on about their dancers and all-sorts of other rhubarb. 

AD BREAK! Jungle and Calvin Harris live performances coming up, as well as Kylie closing the show doing a XXX-rated striptease (with toys) in nothing but her tiny gold hotpants, so you definitely don't want to go and, say...chuck yourself off a tall building. So far, I can't really see the appeal of having three presenters. Maybe they are sounding out who is the best of a particularly "meh" bunch to present it solo next year. The others will be swiftly disposed off and packed off to do talking head segments on some Channel 5 show like "Best Car Adverts of 2009".

And we're back. Gary Kemp's brother's son has gone off for a whizz, leaving us with Clara and Maya. Time for that threatened Calvin Harris live performance. I liked him when he did 'Acceptable in the 80s', but then it got to the stage where you couldn't bury a body on remote moorland without being assailed by one of his "bangers". This song is the same cookie-cooker dance track bollocks he's been churning out since he was knobbing Taylor Swift. Ellie Goulding is doing vocals, which is...a shame. She appears to have come dressed as a meringue. Honestly, this sounds so dated, like it's 2001 in a shit nightclub in Hull. I feel depressed. My wife said that whilst listening to this, she felt like she was sat in a battered Saxo full of weed smoke, while a load of boy-racers twat about in a car-park. 

Mercifully, it ends. Like everything in life. Everything. The crowd are going fucking barmy. Maybe their microdots have just kicked in. 

Next award is presented by the rapper H (Aitch? Haitch?) and fucking Jess Glynne. Jesus, I'd forgotten about her. Haitch seems a nice lad. I hope Glynne doesn't sing. She has no reason to, but that has never stopped her in the past.

BEST R&B ACT

------------

CLEO SOL, JORJA SMITH, MAHALIA, RAYE, SAULT

I bet this goes to Raye again. Winner is...Raye. This means we have to put up with another acceptance speech from her. At least she doesn't squeal this time, but she does do the whole: "I always wanted to do this since I was little..." schtick. Well yeah, we didn't think you just whacked an album out last week and thought being an R 'n' B artist would be nice.

Next award is presented by Luke Evans (who was very good in the film 'High Rise', but sadly not in that bewildering 'The Way' series that was on recently) and Marisa Abela (who is playing Amy Winehouse in a biopic). 

BEST ALTERNATIVE/ROCK ACT

-------------------------

BLUR, BRING ME THE HORIZON, THE ROLLING STONES, YOUNG FATHERS, YUSSUF DAYES

And the winner is...Raye! No, only kidding. Bring Me the Horizon are the obvious winners, prompting Young Fathers to look EVEN MORE DISTRAUGHT. Seriously, give them something for turning up - they might not make it through the ceremony at this rate. One of Bring Me the Horizon has perhaps the twattiest hat you've ever seen. They also swear a lot, causing the 'Big Brother' style ambient sound to block out the effin' and jeffin'.

Gary Kemp's brother's son interviews Kylie at her table, and he can't believe he's sat with her. I know...I feel you. I wanted to be off doing something else as well. Kylie's voice has changed so much over her career that she now sounds like some sort of duck, and for that reason I cannot wait to hear her medley at the end of the night. She'd better do 'The Locomotion', or there will be blood. Gary Kemp's brother's son does the drinking out of a shoe thing with Kylie, because we have a few minutes to fill. They did this recently on the WWE wrestling too, which was coming live from Perth in Australia. At least Gary Kemp's brother's son doesn't suggest banging up a few lines of gak off a mirror.

AD BREAK! Live performance from Tate McCrae coming up...rejoice and praise the Lord.

After banging down a Valium, I feel we can progress. Joanne Froggatt from that hospital drama we're all supposed to have watched is here to present the next award.

INTERNATIONAL ARTIST OF THE YEAR

--------------------------------

ASAKE, BURNA BOY, CAROLINE POLACHEK, CMAT, KYLIE MINOGUE, LANA DEL RAY, MILEY CYRUS, OLIVIA RODRIGO, SZA, TAYLOR SWIFT

As much as I'd like this to go to CMAT, who is brilliant, it won't. She has as much hope as a Rochdale girl reaching her teens without being abused. Can I say that? Probably not. I have. It's Taylor's, surely?

Winner is: SZA. Who the frig is that? Not even the O2 seem to know who she is, and she's certainly not here. I think if you can't be there, it's an instant disqualification. Maya is at the table of Bimini, one of the drag queens from RuPaul's Drag Race. Bimini shouts "up the bum!" as they do shots, and Maya sounds very unsure as to whether ITV will allow that to be broadcast. Bimini is absolutely trollied. One of Bimini's friends has stolen Roisin Murphy's hat from the video for Moloko's 'Sing it Back'. 

Gary Kemp's brother's son does an awkward link into the next live act - Tate McCrae. She's from Canada, which they seem quite eager to hammer home. Tate looks like absolute filth - one for the dad's. She looks a bit like Gabriella Cilmi, remember her? I can't describe what she's wearing, but I'd not let MY daughter out in that. Christ on a bike. 

Gary Kemp's brother's son can't quite get over Tate. I think he fancies her. He's not a natural at presenting a big event, it has to be said. He's OK on The One Show, doing segments on old ladies helping out at soup kitchens, and takes the piss out of a man with a bald head that has been tattooed.

Another award? OK then, that's why we're here. I have no idea who this chap is presenting it. He might be in 'Stranger Things'. Ah! Yes, he played that Steve guy - I don't even recognise the main cast from that show any more, the kids are all about thirty-five now. It started making me feel old, so I had to stop watching it. It definitely wasn't because it went shit. Definitely not.

BEST NEW ARTIST

---------------

MAHALIA, OLIVIA DEAN, PINKPANTHERESS, RAYE, YUSSUF DAYES

And the winner is...IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE RAYE. NOT RAYE AGAIN. PLEASE NOT RAYE... Raye wins. My wife went on an impassioned rant about how Raye can't possibly win another award, and yet here we are. I'm bored of her now. I'm going for a piss while she talks. Again. Even Raye admits herself that she's not a new artist, as she's been doing this for three years. 

Clara Amfo refuses to let Raye leave the stage, and has another BRIT in her hand - are they giving her another one, off the cuff? Oh, it's her Songwriter award from earlier this week. That's enough now, don't encourage her. Raye closes out by raving about how she should basically get more royalties.

AD BREAK! After the break for ads, in which there are ads advertising things you might want to buy after seeing the ads, we might get a live performance by Jungle. They promised that a long time ago. I think they've forgotten about them. Shit, I forgot I had a Twix on the sofa. That will make me feel better. I see Take That are touring this year. They look an accomplished group, I bet they'll do big things if they carry on like this. 

And we're back. Another Valium helps a finger of Twix slide down nicely. I'll follow it up with a limoncello later. I tell you who I'm not missing presenting the BRITs - James Cordon. They were bleak years indeed, weren't they, (ahead of him heading Stateside to become the chubby little English cherub that they all loved him for, “gee honey, he’s so Quaint”…..) Presenting the next award are Alison Oliver and Charlie XCX. Alison was in 'Saltburn', and Charlie did...that song with Iggy Azalea once. It was a while back.

BEST DANCE ACT

--------------

BARRY CAN'T SWIM, BECKY HILL, CALVIN HARRIS, FRED AGAIN..., ROMY

Winner is: Calvin Harris. Like, really. Sadly no Aphex Twin this year - it's always hilarious when he gets nominated. Calvin is clad exclusively in brown. He's like a walking early 80s, ironic when I mention his debut single. See, it all ties in. Calvin has quite a steely stare in his eye, like he's angry about something. Maybe he's really upset about postage stamp prices going up again. At least he's to the point in his speech.

Next act is presented by Ashley Walters and Kingsley Ben-Adir. Didn't Ashley used to be in So Solid Crew? Kingsley is playing Bob Marley in a biopic.

BEST HIP-HOP, GRIME, RAP ACT

----------------------------

CASISDEAD, CENTRAL CEE, DAVE, J HUS, LITTLE SIMZ

Winner is: Casisdead. Amazing achievement turning up to collect his award, considering he's...well, dead and all. Little Simz looks a bit glum having not won, but she does have an ENORMOUS fluffy hat on, so that has to be some consolation. Life lessons here, people. If you don't think you're going to win at something, just stick a fucking big fluffy hat on. 

Gary Kemp's brother's son is back to introduce Jungle, who appear to have stolen the set from a seventies variety show. I am indifferent to Jungle; I'm sure they're very nice people, but I did zone out a bit when they came on, and wondered if Aston Villa managed to win in the tea-time Premier League kick-off. 

Maya and Clara do a link, and I've only just noticed Maya is in danger of falling out of her dress. “Val, fetch the tit-tape!” We get more hype about Kylie making her appearance later. You know, that had slipped my mind completely. Average lanky ex-footballer Peter Crouch and his arm candy Abbie Clancy are here to present the next award.

BEST POP ACT

------------

CALVIN HARRIS, CHARLI XCX, DUA LIPA, OLIVIA DEAN, RAYE

Winner is: Dua Lipa! At least it's not Raye, they're obviously giving her feet a rest. They had to give Dua something - she's been like a fly round shite this year, with her perfume adverts and all. And was on the 'Barbie' soundtrack, mind you, most people were. Lots of dancers getting thanks in speeches tonight, which is nice. Dancers are much underrated.

Oh no, it's time for a "Traitors" skit, which, with this being on ITV, seems a bit awkward. There's people who were on the actual gameshow, according to my wife, but I didn't have a clue who they were. I thought the woman was Maire Brennan off Clannad. That would've been a turn-up.

AD BREAK! After the break, where there's a break for you to have a break from breaking things, is...ah. I was too shocked that it wasn't Maire Brennan off Clannad. I wasn't paying attention. (Sigh).

Presenting the next award is Jack Saunders and a lady whose name I can't pronounce. Or spell. Sorry, love. They ask those who have had a drink to cheer, then say "perhaps the biggest cheer of the night" - bit disrespectful to the acts who have performed live, or won an award...

INTERNATIONAL GROUP OF THE YEAR

--------------------------------

BLINK-182, BOYGENIUS, FOO FIGHTERS, GABRIELS, PARAMORE

Winners are: Boygenius. ??? Anyone? They're not here. So that's another instant DQ, and Foo Fighters get the gong. In my world, anyway. In reality, we get a stilted acceptance video, apparently from FBI Agent Dale Cooper's hotel room in 'Twin Peaks'.

Live performance time - lots of people behind Clara and Maya are heading off to the bogs for some well-deserved prang. To add insult to injury, it's Raye, who we definitely haven't heard enough of this evening. I hate the fact that seeing someone do well at something they undoubtedly have much passion for has seen me get incredibly irritated by them, but that's how it is. It could've been anyone, it's probably not Raye's fault - I think I got really pissed off the last time Adele was on and won everything under the sun.

It's motored along this year - by my estimate, we only have three more awards to hand out, yet there looks to be about an hour of the show left. Maybe Kylie is hijacking the final 45mins of the show. Raye is STILL on, by the way. I don't really know her stuff, but they seem to be doing that annoying BRITs thing where they do a cack-handed medley of 4-5 songs to cram in as much of a certain performer as possible. Do they do any of those odd collaborative performances any longer, like Mick Hucknall or Chris De Burgh singing with some right-wing gabba techno duo from Sweden with swastikas on their foreheads? No? Shame. 

OK, Raye has finished. Clara is at the table of The Last Dinner Party, who I don't think are actually performing. Which is annoying, as I really like them. I didn't think I would, but I do. It happens! Fuck me, they've found Gary Kemp's brother's son to basically do a link into an ad break. This is perhaps the greatest evidence that he won't be back in 2025.

Back from break, the next award is for Producer of the Year. Ivan Toney, the footballer, is here - and a lady I don't recognise. She asks Ivan if he wants to put a bet on who will win. Ivan says that joke is too soon.

PRODUCER OF THE YEAR

--------------------

Winner is: Chase and Status - there was only one nominee. Maybe there weren't any other producers of original recorded material in the past year. As I said before, I really didn't think they were still going. Which one is Chase and which one is Status? It's like the early days of Ant and Dec. Nobody knew. My wife informs me that on the red carpet earlier, when they were arriving, neither of them had their coats on, and now they're inside the O2, both have their coats on. Weird.

Gary Kemp's brother's son pulls double duty by doing another link with Maya, yet again hyping up Kylie. They go and bother Pink Pantheress, who is asked for her favourite moment so far. She says Raye. Gah.

Live performance time - Chase and Status. Blimey, they didn't give them much time to get ready, did they? Becky Hill is here to do vocals for it. I can't look at Becky Hill in the same way any longer, after a gig she did in the Isle of Man (where I live) where she announced to the crowd that she was on her period. I'm not sure why I remember that...I wasn't at the gig, someone told me about it, but every time she comes on now (fuck me, that pun definitely wasn't intended!!!) I can't help thinking "I wonder if she's on her period right now?" - which is something you shouldn't ever really think about anyone. Chase and Status' stage set appears to have been pilfered from S Club 7, with the enormous 'S'. 

Next award is presented by Jonathan Bailey. From 'Bridgerton', you know. He says this whole thing is "wild". Ain't it just, Jonathan, ain'‘t it fucking just….

ARTIST OF THE YEAR

------------------

ARLO PARKS, CENTRAL CEE, DAVE, DUA LIPA, FRED AGAIN..., J HUS, JESSIE WARE, LITTLE SIMZ, OLIVIA DEAN, RAYE

Winner is: Raye, again. What makes me more annoyed with her is that "oh-my-gosh-is-it-really-me-that's-won?" look she does. LIKE YOU DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW. Come on. Little Simz, still in her hat, still hasn't won. And amazingly, still hasn't melted or passed out. As Raye resorts to saying "this is wild..." over and over again, it all sorts of fizzles out and we cut to Gary Kemp's brother's son getting Calvin Harris to down a mocktail. He claims the drink is salty, and says it's called a 'Saltburn'. He's not getting the plum lines this year, and hopefully they don't have him back presenting this again next year. He's been utterly unnecessary.

AD BREAK! Much things afoot after break, like Kylie! Kylie!! FUCKING KYLIE!!!

Next award is presented by Rob Beckett and Bimini (who is more trollied than they were earlier). This should be fun. Rob chats Bimini up, and makes reference to Raye winning too many awards this evening. Bimini ignores that and gets in a reference to trans people, and that they are all valid. Unfortunately there are no trans people up for this next award.

INTERNATIONAL SONG OF THE YEAR

------------------------------

BILLIE EILISH (WHAT WAS I MADE FOR), DAVID KUSHNER (DAYLIGHT), DOJA CAT (PAINT THE TOWN RED), JAZZY (GIVING ME), LIBIANCA (PEOPLE), MEGHAN TRAINOR (MADE YOU LOOK), MILEY CYRUS (FLOWERS), NOAH KAHAN (STICK SEASON), OLIVER TREE & ROBIN SCHULZ (MISS YOU), OLIVIA RODRIGO (VAMPIRE), PEGGY GOU (IT GOES LIKE NANANA), REMA (CALM DOWN), SZA (KILL BILL), TATE MCRAE (GREEDY), TYLA (WATER)

Winner is: Miley Cyrus...no show, no award. Bimini says we should forgive her because she has incredible hair. At least in her acceptance video, Miley wears the dress she would've worn if she could've been fucked to turn up. On a side note, it's sad that a song called 'It Goes Nanana' can even be nominated as one of the best songs by an international artist.

Maya Jama gives Raye even more screen-time, and the more Raye gets pissed, the more I can't stand the woman. STOP FUCKING SHOUTING. PLEASE STOP. She even looks like Amy Winehouse, another Brit School pupil. Which is a bit unsettling. Clara introduces a live performance by Rema - not Rimmer as in 'Red Dwarf' character Rimmer, which would've been ace, but not before a woman who I think is CMAT (nominated earlier, didn't win) flashing her arse in a backless dress, which is swiftly cut away from. Brilliant.

Rema (not Rimmer) is another one wearing a big fluffy hat - either there's lots of people suffering when they don't have to in a very hot, stifling venue, or it's absolutely bastard freezing because the organisers won't pay for the radiators to come on. I guess we'll just never know. Rema's song seems to consist of him just vocalising, which makes it very hard to follow what's going on. It's not 'Delilah' by Tom Jones, that's for sure. He's got quite an elaborate stage set-up, considering nobody seems to know who he is. 

OK, this has to be the last award now. Well, before we get that Australian woman who has apparently released a few LPs in her time and had moderate success as a singer, AND ALSO AN ACTOR in such classics as 'Street Fighter'. Jamie Winstone is here to present, because why not? Don't tell her that, she slightly scares me. Oh! It's Bimini's friend from before with Roisin Murphy's hat! Jamie brings out the head teacher of the Brit School, so we all know who's fucking won this one already, don't we.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

-----------------

BLUR (BALLAD OF DARREN), J HUS (BEAUTIFUL AND BRUTAL YARD), LITTLE SIMZ (NO THANK YOU), RAYE (MY 21ST CENTURY BLUES), YOUNG FATHERS (HEAVY HEAVY)

Winner is: Raye. I've typed that even while the Brit School head teacher is banging on about something. Christ's sake. You know what? Before the BRITs, I was sort of curious about Raye, and was considering listening to her. But now, I've actually gone off her in the space of about 90mins. Sorry, love. I was sort of mildly invested, but...no. Raye drags an elderly lady on stage with her, who I hope is her grandma, and not just some random woman she's found. How amazing if that were the case, though. Tears ensue. The grandma/random old lady cries. The Brit School teacher looks very awkward with this level of female tears. Little Simz again shown looking disappointed/pissed off/a bit bored now. The hat is still on. She must be severely dehydrated by now. Raye is still crying. Someone put her out of her misery, for fuck's sake. Jamie Winstone is stood there, wondering if she can make her last bus from the O2. 

We've not seen Young Fathers in the crowd for a while - has someone checked the gent's toilets for them? They might all be lying in a cubicle having done something silly with a load of tablets, after realising they weren't going to win fuck all.

Clara is sat with Busted, who aren't even asked anything, so just sit there like lemons. But wait - maybe they're just rabid with anticipation for...KYLIE!!! I can't wait, I've doubled-down on the old Valiums for this. Maya says she hopes Dua Lipa - here to present the made-up award they've done for Kylie - doesn't ever want to host the BRITs, because she, Clara and Gary Kemp's brother's son will be out of a job. Well, Clara and Maya are safe - it's back to The One Show red sofa for the Kemp boy.

GLOBAL ICON

-----------

WINNER - KYLIE MINOGUE

Cue a video about Kylie, because NOBODY KNOWS WHO SHE IS. I joked about hearing 'The Locomotion' earlier, but they did actually play a fair bit of it. Dua Lipa certainly does a very good line in shameless fawning. And the worst bit? Kylie will still be hawking this sort of thing when she's like, eighty. It'll be like Dolly Parton all over again. Mind you, when Kylie is eighty, Dolly will still be going herself - wired up to the mains with wires everywhere. 

Even during Kylie's speech, they still have to cut to Raye. OK, she's hogged the limelight enough tonight. Stop giving Kylie's time to her; if you're that set on giving the 'Thanks For Coming! Award' to her, focus on HER. 

Gary Kemp's brother's son laments that this is the final link to camera, and so he should - he ain't ever coming back on the presenting gig. Ever. It'll be that no-mark off 'Made in Chelsea' next year. Fucking hell, there's an after-show on when this finishes - who watches that sort of thing? Sadists, the lot of them. Maya basically recaps everything that has just happened, because we've not just been watching it for the last...God knows how long.

More hype for Kylie - fucking hell, they're milking this. We get it - Kylie: good.

Just to be clear, is Kylie just "Kylie" these days, or doe she go by her full name? It would've been nice if Kylie had done that weirdly uncommercial single she had with Nick Cave, what was it? 'Where the Wild Flowers Grow' or something. Jools Holland could have filled in if Nick wasn't free. As it is, she doesn't. Not even a sniff. 

And, like a coach party to Dignitas, we reach the end. It's over. I do wonder why I put myself through the BRITs every year, which hasn't been good since...Christ, the mid 90s, probably. But Steve is a very persuasive taskmaster. He keeps threatening to reveal that horrid secret I've had in my closet if I don't do these write-ups, so...I guess I'll continue until such a time they can it. 

Thanks for reading - But come on, it's way past your bedtime.

Words by P T Muscutt