Our very own P.T. Muscutt take a look back at the 2019 Brits Awards Show that was transmitted last night to millions of households across our fine nation, we’ve covered it for the past few years now and I think people are starting to warm to our obscure sense of humour and scathing comments that are often seen in the write up, buckle up folks, it’s gonna be a bumpy (but rather predictable) ride….
I had the misfortune of tuning into some of the pre-show shenanigans before the actual awards ceremony started - I know, glutton for punishment, right? - and I have to say Rag 'n' Bone Man went down in my estimations after he heartily sang the praises of bloody Anne-Marie. He also gloated about "only being on stage for two minutes" this evening (as part of a medley with Calvin Harris) which came out as sounding like a bit of a smug twat, if I'm honest. Of course, I'd never say that to his face; he's built like fucking Andre the Giant. They also collared Glynne on the red carpet, and I can report that she's been made to tie her massive 'fro back, probably because she'd be breaking about seventy health and safety and fire hazard regulations if she didn't. I can't say there's been anyone else of note on the pre-show, really...that Mabel sort was on, but confusingly she has come dressed as Ariana Grande, with her hair tied up into some enormous pony-tail that's almost as long as she is. Weird. My nine-month old son wasn't impressed by Mabel, he began ranting at the telly for the entire time she was on-screen. He might've wanted a rusk or something, but I'm quite sure he was voicing his displeasure at her, personally. Oh fucking hell, Clara Amfo has just said Sam Smith is part of the Calvin Harris medley, which has depressed me somewhat. Predictably, the lead singer of Years and Years has come dressed as...actually I have no fucking idea what he's come as (a peacock? Lily Savage?), but the other two guys in the band seem to be tolerating it fairly well. The one with the beard does seem to be occasionally rolling his eyes, however. Naturally they left interviewing Little Mix practically until the end of the red carpet show, and Jade was as ravishing as ever. I'll move quickly on, before I say something naughty.
Anyway, enough of that tosh. Quite frankly I've got better things to be doing, so let's get on with 2019's travesty. Which is presented by Jack Whitehall, so hopefully we'll get something said that's quite close to the bone.
Welcome one and all to another two-or-so hours I'll never get back, sacrificed in order to bring you the goings on at this year's most well-meaning but ultimately pointless music awards ceremony (at least since they tightened up on things like people presenting awards pissed off their tits or invading the stage) - The BRITS. We are live at the Millennium Dome in Londonshire for this evening's festivities, which are set to include Hugh "No Longer Wolverine" Jackman performing a song from 'The Greatest Fucking Showman' (treats!) and also sees two of the most irritating individuals ever to grace this planet somehow getting four - FOUR - nominations each (Anne-Marie and Jess Glynne). Dua Lipa also gets four nominations, but we shall let that one slide because she's a goddamn fox.
We open with quite a spot-on parody of the Fyre Festival documentary, which bodes well. But no! It's just to soften us up for the opening act - Hugh bastard Jackman. It's all very flash, but...not a lot of substance. Hugh's vocals seem a bit flat, like a pissed dad doing karaoke at some tawdry bar in Torremolinos. God, this is terrible. Still, nice that he's dyed his hair for the occasion. I bet they're doing those 'Singalong' versions of the film now, aren't they? I can't picture a more awful type of "forced fun", apart from when you go to a concert and they drag songs out by making the men in the crowd sing a bit, then the women, then...oh, the horror. Sorry for opening this article by sounding like Marvin the Paranoid Android, its just makes me feel better. I guess they had to shoe-horn 'The Greatest Showman' in there somewhere, seeing as it's been No.1 in the album charts for the last twenty-seven years.
Whitehall gets his first laugh from me when he says George Ezra is for people who drink de-caffeinated coffee and have lemon and herb sauce on their Nando's. Second laugh of the evening was when he describes Daniel Sturridge, who is presenting an award, as "Premier League runner-up in waiting". Paloma Faith, who is co-presenting this one, has come as a Quality Street chocolate.
BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST
Nominees - Aphex Twin; Craig David; George Ezra; Giggs; Sam Smith
Prediction - SAM SMITH
Watch out, the Brits gets edgy as they include Aphex Twin in the nominations! This was either someone taking the absolute piss, thinking his "challenging" brand of skewed, bouncy, non-commercial electronica could possibly beat the likes of Craig David or Sam Smith's depressive, wallowing angst, or someone who said "fuck this" when they saw the anaemic list of nominations and probably got sacked when they stood up for Aphex Twin, demanded he be included and then stormed out of the Brits Nominations Committee screaming that their colleagues were a bunch of massive bell-ends. As much as I'd love him to win this and go joyriding around the streets of London in a decommissioned Army tank or something (his 'Collapse' EP, released at the arse-end of last year, was immense) he will never do so. It just won't happen. It can't happen. It was a toss-up between Ezra and Smith for this one, but Sam Smith seems to have claimed the market in slushy, mawkish ballads about being a bit fat once and nobody fancying him, so I'm giving it to him. Naturally, Ezra wins. As he walks to the stage, someone is seen carrying a chair across the screen, blocking the cameraman's view of the stage.
Winner - GEORGE EZRA
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Bobby Crush
Time for a break, but not before Whitehall makes a watershed-baiting joke about George Ezra "whipping out his shotgun" and firing "warm loveliness" at us with "both barrels". Fnarrr Fnarr. I guess during the ad breaks we can play Spot the BRIT Nominee's Album Advert - none so far, which is strange. There is however, an ad for Jack Whitehall's 2019 tour...crafty!!
The next award is presented by Nile Rodgers and some woman with enormous hair (not Jess Glynne). Really, I have no idea who she is. Seriously though, I don't know who is the cooler older gentleman - Nile or Samuel L. Jackson. Nile has to edge it surely, because he has a fucking cool hat on.
BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST (IN ASSOCIATION WITH YOUTUBE MUSIC)
Nominees - Anne-Marie; Florence + The Machine; Jess Glynne; Jorja Smith; Lily Allen
Prediction - JESS GLYNNE
It goes against all my human instincts and morals to admit I think Jess Glynne and her enormous hair-do will win, but she will. I just know it. That Jet 2 advert featuring her song regularly haunts my sleep, you know. I might need therapy. The omni-present Anne-Marie features AGAIN, hanging around like a bad smell, as does Florence + The Machines (just a thought, but how does Florence get nominated for a fucking SOLO award when she has a bastard backing band?). I actually laughed out loud when I saw Lily Allen was in this category; a truly shoe-horned in, "aww well, she'll win fuck all but let's make her feel a bit better about herself" gesture. She is a truly shocking singer, all told. Jorja Smith could have a sniff, but I'd say she's still a bit too "hip" - the Mercury Music prize lot haven't really finished masturbating over her debut album yet, so we might have to wait a couple of years for her to bag this one. But no, they give it to Smith, which I don't actually mind because it means both Anne-Marie AND Jess Glynne miss out. Bad luck, girls!
Winner - JORJA SMITH
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Barbara Dixon
More music now, and it's George Ezra - but not on his own, no. He's felt the need to augment his usual live band with a brass band, for some reason. He has a nice guitar though, I wouldn't mind one of those. My little review helper has now been taken off me by his mum, and is jigging around to 'Shotgun' - a song that, while catchy, is still offensively simple in terms of its structure and lyrics. I once wrote a parody of this song which went: "I'll be shagging your mum/not wearing a condom" which was entirely juvenile, but I found it amusing.
Best Group is up next. Natalie Dormer and Vicky McClure are on presenting duties. Whitehall gets a joke in about Ed Sheeran being the most disturbing part of the entire run of 'Game of Thrones', which I have to concur with.
BRITISH GROUP
Nominees - The 1975; Arctic Monkeys; Gorillaz; Little Mix; Years and Years
Prediction - LITTLE MIX
Quite a varied bunch here, from the token inclusion who won't bother even attending because they're too cool and won't win anyway (Arctic Monkeys), the "ooh, there's a chance they might scrape it, despite releasing an absolutely torrid album" (Gorillaz), and the most likely candidates to take the prize - Little Mix. I wholeheartedly support the girls in their endeavours, and believe them to be supremely talented and hard-working young women with a fantastic attitude and work ethic, as well as going above and beyond to expose the scourge of body-shaming and promoting sexual equality. My ongoing Jade Thirlwall obsession (now in it's sixth or so year) has absolutely NOTHING to do with my prediction. I'd love Monkeys to do it, because their 'Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino' album was fucking decent, but...I just can't see it. The 1975 take it, and I'm a bit "meh", because I really don't see what all the fuss is about. And I keep getting them mixed up with The Vamps, for some reason. I think it was this band whose lead singer came to the awards last time dressed as 'Purple Rain'-era Prince. They use their acceptance speech as a platform for a message about male misogeny, so...thanks for that, fellas.
Winners - THE 1975
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Bombalurina ft. Timmy Mallett
Whitehall sits down with Bros, and tries to goad them into saying something twatty like they did on their documentary, but I think they have him scouted out, and, while perfectly humble and polite, they refuse and actually come across as quite astute. He nearly gets them by asking if youngsters should "wear protection" (for playing conkers). One of the Brossers (the one with hair) makes a comment that Whitehall's conkers are bigger than his. Unfortunately, we go to a break before he can whip his keks off and show us. Maybe that'll be on BRITs Uncut at midnight. Including a scene where Jade from Little Mix gets her keks off as well...AHEM. ENOUGH. MOVE ON. FOCUS.
Break-time, featuring a disturbing advert with Ariana Grande singing as an emoji. Brrrrr. On a completely non-music note, I've just noticed the gangly, awkward looking woman from the Barclays App advert is also in the EE advert, where she's playing squash against Kevin Bacon. Don't say you never learn anything during commercial breaks. Still no BRIT nominee adverts, so maybe it's frowned on to hawk people's wares in such a manner these days.
Not long until Calvin Harris' medley performance, so we're told. But first - Little Mix! I promise to be impartial during this live performance. Someone called Ms. Banks is on with them, but I'm sure she won't detract too much from the visuals. The girls are doing their single 'Woman Like Me', and appear to be wearing pink PVC raincoats, before whipping them off to reveal what seem to be pink wrestling outfits. Bloody hell! Ms. Banks is doing the Nicki Minaj bits, I think, probably because Minaj is off being weird in America. This is definitely my favourite bit of the evening so far. I thought they were going to do that BRITs thing where they mix it up and do a couple of songs in one, but no. By the nines, that was good.
Whitehall says that "dads up and down the country were awkwardly fumbling for a scatter cushion" during that performance, which, if I didn't have a laptop on my crotch, I would have been. Another award, anyone? Alice Levine and Clara Amfo (who did the red carpet) are here to present...
BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Nominees - Ella Mai; IDLES; Jorja Smith; Mabel; Tom Walker
Prediction - JORJA SMITH
A dilemma - if I've not heard of anyone in the "mainstream" categories, I've not got an Anne-Frank-in-a-cupboard's chance of knowing who any of this lot are. I'll try...Ella Mai I have to admit defeat on. IDLES I know are a big hit on MusoMuso, and come heartily recommended by website administrator Steve (having had 98.6% of my spare time taken up with a wriggly nine-month old, I've not had a whole lot of time to listen to new music...). Jorja Smith, as we all know, is still relatively fresh out of the blocks, and so best suited (IMHO) to win this category. Mabel is that mardy-faced bint who seems to be on Channel Four's 'Sunday Brunch' every other week, generally looking miserable. She ought to team up with James Arthur - another singer with a face like a smacked arse; they could even call themselves The Smacked Arses. See, I'm practically the next Simon Cowell. Tom Walker wins, and he doesn't look like I thought he would. He looks a bit like Nick Frost attending a fancy dress party as a fisherman who works on one of those trawlers. He talks like a member of the band The Lancashire Hotpots as well! I have yet to predict an award correctly, which sucks.
Winner - TOM WALKER
Who Really Ought to Have Won - One Direction
Whitehall is with Shawn Mendes, who is perfectly groomed, it has to be said. He is presented with a bottle of WKD by our host, and embarrasses him with details of his new underwear campaign. There's an awful lot of ad breaks on the BRITs this year. Too many. I wonder if Whitehall uses the adverts to go for a wee, or is there a danger he might get caught chatting to someone in there and miss a vital cue?
Back to it, and we have a live performace from Jorja Smith, who is apparently the new music industry darling. She's got her hair done up like Ariana Grande as well; it definitely seems to be the "in" hairstyle for this year's ceremony. Whitehall is brutally honest when he says that, as it's time for the International categories, where none of the nominees could be bothered turning up.
INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Nominees - Brockhampton; The Carters; Chic; First Aid Kit; Twenty One Pilots
Prediction - CHIC
Sadly, Brockhampton is not a band made up of the 350-odd people living in the village of Brockhampton in Gloucestershire, which is a shame, because I think the villagers could give the actual band a run for their money. Unfortunately, being from the UK they would be instantly disqualified from this category, rendering my dream moot. I still might write to their local borough council asking if they realise a band has infringed their copyright. Likewise, The Carters are not the American folk music group (who recorded between the late 1920s and the mid-1950s) including June Carter, who went on to marry legendary country-music bad boy Johnny Cash. I thought they were making a comeback for a minute, there - a minor miracle seeing as most of them are probably dead. No, The Carters is the rather underwhelming name for the intergender tag team of Beyonce and Jay-Z, which you think would fucking destroy anything in its path, but people probably forget who they are because of the rather normal name. It's like the Morrissey/Marr double whammy that was encased inside the boring band name The Smiths...I do quite like First Aid KIt, but after getting two of their albums did find their output a bit "samey" - you have to be in the right mood for twins doing harmonies, I find. As for Twenty One Pilots, I have no idea - are they the sort of band you'd find at Download Festival? Chic, of course, are absolute legends, and by the sheer number of people Nile Rodgers (is there a cooler 66-year-old alive?) is able to name-check as having worked with, they have to be up there for the win. Really didn't see The Carters winning, but there you go.
Winner - THE CARTERS
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Limp Bizkit
Obviously showing some considerable distain for the international crowd, we move straight on to...
INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Nominees - Drake; Eminem; Kamasi Washington; Shawn Mendes; Travis Scott
Prediction - DRAKE
I've only ever heard of Drake and Eminem, and only actually ever listened to Eminem out of this entire list. Although for me, Eminem's last great album was his 'Marshall Mathers LP' back in 2000, I have to go with Drake because I've no idea about the others. I know Drake is fantastically popular despite releasing what appears to be the exact same song over and over again. Who know really knows who Kamasi Washington is? He sounds like he could possibly be a porn-star. Shawn Mendes sounds like a wrestler, yet I know he isn't, and Travis Scott sounds like a firm of solicitors who advertise on daytime television, badgering you about personal injury claims and PPI. My first award of the evening I've got right, and I'm dead chuffed!
Winner - DRAKE
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Falco
Finally on the international front, we have...
INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Nominees - Ariana Grande; Camila Cabello; Cardi B; Christine and the Queens; Janelle Monae
Prediction - ARIANA GRANDE
Another candidate for a disqualification here, in my book - Christine AND THE QUEENS. Fuck off, Queens - this is a solo category! Discounting Christine and those disconcerting flat-soled shoes she always has on, I have also eliminated Camila Cabello for her irritating earworm song 'Havana', which I absolutely detest, yet can't stop singing when I happen to hear the smallest snippet of it. Cardi B is meant to be fairly popular, right? Alas, I have no knowledge of her material. Sorry, Cardi. I have heard of Janelle Monae, but presumed she'd fallen into a worm-hole of releasing bizarre concept albums about robots to be too worried about winning this. All that leaves Ariana Grande (whose name reminds me of a type of coffee Starbucks could probably whizz up for you - "I'll have an Ariana Grande, extra frothy, caramel shot, no sugar"). I actually think all of her songs are fucking awful - especially that new one that uses the melody from 'My Favourite Things' from the fucking 'Sound of Music'. Enough, already! Two winners correct in a row, though - what the hell is going on?!
Winner - ARIANA GRANDE
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Sheila Ferguson (The Three Degrees)
Whitehall says Drake should never have got the award, seeing as he never attends the ceremony, and that Shawn Mendes should get it because "he bunked off school to be here". We sit down with George Ezra, who doesn't talk like I thought he might. He has quite a high-pitched laugh, and Whitehall seems intent on getting him pissed, although a runner brings over a glass of milk. I thought booze on tables had been banned at the BRITs, but seeing the buckets on the table, there's an absolute fucking tonne! It's like Oliver Reed's breakfast table. ANOTHER BREAK? Sort it out, ITV. Christ. Over an hour into the broadcast, and I think we've just had our first nominee/winner advert, for Ariana Grande. Bizarre there's not been more.
Part Seven of tonight's awards. Presenting the next award is Peter Crouch's missus and Roman Kemp. I think Abbie Clancy is slowly trying to morph into Kylie Minogue. They're here to rather pointlessly introduce a pre-determined award for Ed Sheeran, who, because he's not nominated for anything this year, has to get an award for something else. It's a bloody joke - the Global Success Award. It feels a bit like giving someone an award for just doing their job, and therefore pretty much means piss-all. Naturally, Ed hasn't turned up, and Abbie just has to wave the award about as Roman awkwardly fills in. Ed says he feels honoured to be part of the music industry - YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING MINTED, ED!!
Performance time now, with Calvin Harris performing with a variety of people. Rag 'n' Bone Man is up first, with the song I thought was called "Trying", and therefore couldn't find it on streaming services anywhere, because it didn't exist. I can't actually see Calvin anywhere, unless he's hiding amongst the backing singers and dancers on stage. Oh no, he is there, I just caught a glimpse of him. Worryingly, he seems to have nuclear fallout drifting over the stage - they want to watch that, radiation sickness is a bitch to shift. Trivia: Calvin Harris isn't his real name, you know - it's Adam. (That was a conversation killer, wasn't it?). Piss break as Sam Smith's bit comes on. He's stuck in a neon blue cube, which makes him look like he's cavorting in an Amsterdam window. Oh, it's OK, he's broken free now and is shimmying about like a good 'un. Oops, it looks like Dua Lipa has forgotten to put any clothes on, but I'm sure we can refrain from telling her for a minute or two. Ooh, you could just eat her, couldn't you? Mmmm.
Whitehall reckons Calvin Harris is exhausted after that performance, what with all the knob-twiddling. Presenting the next award is Bros, who are immaculately turned out tonight, and obviously over the money worries they had after that manager fella fucked them over in the 90s. They're here to do.
BRITISH VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Nominees - '2002' (Anne-Marie); 'One Kiss' (Calvin Harris ft. Dua Lipa); 'Solo' (Clean Bandit ft. Demi Lovato); 'IDGAF' (Dua Lipa); 'Breathe' (Jax Jones ft. Ina Wroldsen); 'Rise' (Jonas Blue ft. Jack & Jack); 'For You' (Liam Payne & Rita Ora); 'Woman Like Me' (Little Mix ft. Nicki Minaj); 'Let You Love Me' (Rita Ora); 'These Days' (Rudimental ft. Jess Glynne, Macklemore & Dan Caplen)
Prediction - CALVIN HARRIS FT. DUA LIPA
Didn't we do this category already? Oh no, that was British SINGLE - ah well, here comes the companion category, allowing us to not only bleat about how good the song was, but how nice it was to look at, too. It always amuses me that they persist with this category (and there's so many contenders) despite there not having been a great British music video since The Prodigy's 'Smack My Bitch Up' back in 1997. And that didn't even win in 1997 (although to be fair, I don't think the track had been released as a single at the time of the 1997 Brits) - the Best Video in that year went to...boom, The Spice Girls. Which was up against The Chemical Brothers, Dodgy, Jamiroquai, Manic Street Preachers, George Michael, Orbital and The Prodigy (although it was 'Firestarter' that was nominated back then - remember when all those parents complained that 'Top of the Pops' showed it and it scared all their children shitless? And we think Millennials are sensitive...) I guess The Spice Girls had the good grace to do a video where they're in the desert dressed in black PVC, which I know my mate Cliff likes, but still. There's no justice. I've gone for Calvin and Dua again, because anything where we get to see Dua Lipa in a variety of outfits can't be bad. Although I'm a bit miffed that Silk City song ('Electricity') isn't in the video category, because she cavorts around in a tiny top and shorts in that one. Bugger it. As is Sod's Law, I initially picked Little Mix as winners, then changed my mind. Damn and blast. Ah well, I'm glad they got it - I really am. Yay!
Winner - LITTLE MIX ('WOMAN LIKE ME')
Who Really Ought to Have Won - 'I'm Still Standing' (Elton John)
Backstage, Whitehall has apprehended some people attempting to do the Baby Shark song. Break-time, because...well, why not. I have to say, the BRITs are a damn sight more bearable since they banned James Cordon from re-entering the country, so here's hoping Whitehall gets the gig on a long-term contract. Maybe Ole Gunnar Solskjaer will present it next year as a special reward if he gets the Manchester United manager's job full-time? By my reckoning, there are four awards left - although I have no idea what they do with the Critic's Choice one, because, like the Global Success Award, it's not a proper one, is it? Neither is the Outstanding Contribution one, seeing as we know who won it. Next award is...
BRITISH PRODUCER OF THE YEAR
Annie Mac and Sookie Waterhouse (wasn't that the main character from that 'True Blood' show?) present, and I'm a bit unprepared, because I didn't know this one was coming up. No nominees, because it's going to Calvin Harris. He gets a video package, about how he's superstar DJ this, globally-known producer that, and basically has a contacts list as long as John Holmes' wanger. He's not worked with Susan Boyle though, has he? Imagine that. Boyle. Harris. Two Scottish behemoths, hand in hand. It could happen, people. He's obviously had to get changed quickly since performing earlier, when he seemed to have a red Christmas jumper on. He's got a much nicer jacket and turtleneck on, and looks quite the business.
Right, I joked about there being a piss-break earlier, but I am literally taking one now, as Jess Glynne is performing live. Jesus Christ and the orphans, I could hear her in the shitter. It was horrible. I caught a bit of her before I left the room, and her hair is beginning to break free. I'd hate to see it at the after-show party; it'll probably be about six-feet across and suffocating a small child by half-past ten. I didn't time it well, and came back while she was still on - it took me a while to "get" what her stage set up was...a load of women taking their make up off. I thought it was rows of people having an eye examination. Strange.
One Direction fans get their fix as Liam Payne presents the next award with...a model of some description. She's called Winnie.
Up for grabs now is...
BRITISH SINGLE OF THE YEAR (IN ASSOCIATION WITH CAPITAL FM) Nominees - '2002' (Anne-Marie); 'One Kiss' (Calvin Harris ft. Dua Lipa); 'Solo' (Clean Bandit ft. Demi Lovato); 'IDGAF' (Dua Lipa); 'Shotgun' (George Ezra); 'I'll Be There' (Jess Glynne); 'Barking' (Ramz); 'These Days' (Rudimental ft. Jess Glynne, Macklemore & Dan Caplen); 'Lullaby' (Sigala ft. Paloma Faith); 'Leave a Light On' (Tom Walker)
Prediction - CALVIN HARRIS FT. DUA LIPA
Reading like the first twenty minutes of a commercial radio station's breakfast show playlist (oh the irony of Capital FM being associated with this category!) the British Single of the Year is the category we can always count on to give us our five-a-day of sugary, watered-down pop shite. The usual suspects are all here, Anne-Marie, Glynne (aka Cousin It), Clean Bandit (dance music for Tesco mums), George Ezra (indie music for Tesco mums), Ramz (no...me neither) and Tom Walker (whose song provided the beautiful, poignant climax to a Sony Bravia telly advert, thus catapulting him to global super-stardom). If I'm honest, I went with Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa for one reason: it was the song that was No.1 in the charts when my son, Jack, was born. It is rather catchy as well, mind. And it won, meaning another one for the predictions tally! I knew Lipa would get one. She's now got changed into what seems to be a cushion cover with stars on it. There's certainly some questionable fashion on offer this year.
Winner - CALVIN HARRIS FT. DUA LIPA
Who Really Ought to Have Won - 'The Chicken Song' (Spitting Image)
Whitehall sits down with Little Mix, and not before time. Perrie says that "nothing terrifies us more than the BRITs". She should try sitting down for two hours and writing a live review of it. It's a cross I have to bear. He treads a fine line by mentioning them leaving Simon Cowell's record label and Piers Morgan not liking the photo of them stripped off, and looks to be digging a bit of a hole. To be fair, I'd probably start rambling shite as well if I was sat with them.
Part Twenty-Two of the show. Whitehall says by the time the show is over, both of Bros will be bald. Classic. Rock Jesus impersonator and 'Fight Club' star Jared Leto is here to present the next award, which is...
BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Nominees - 'A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships' (The 1975); 'Speak Your Mind' (Anne-Marie); 'High As Hope' (Florence + The Machine); 'Staying At Tamara's' (George Ezra); 'Lost & Found' (Jorja Smith)
Prediction - GEORGE EZRA
I'll level with you - I've not heard ANY of these albums. None of them. I've never heard anything The 1975 or Jorja Smith have put out, and only the singles off George Ezra's album. Therefore, I'm perhaps not best qualified to judge on this category, but what the hell - I've given it to Ezra because he looks a fun-loving, easy-going chap you could have a pint with. I'd not want to have a pint with Florence (or her Machines, for that matter) for fear that she'd sing at me in close proximity and my head might fall off. Honestly, she can't half make a fucking racket with that voice - I call her "Wailing Wendy" after she ruined that 'You Got the Love' song. Anne-Marie, as I mentioned in the intro, is quite possibly the most annoying thing to come out of East Tilbury since time began, and should not win anything this evening on account of that bizarre accent she puts on when she sings - I can't describe it, it's just...weird. It's like she's trying to be foreign or "street" or something, but it just pisses me off immensely. And she sang that song off 'The Greatest Showman' with arch-misery pants James Arthur, which is another reason for her immediate deportation. I'd love to know when the cut-off for best album nominations is, because - being late to the party - I only heard Suede's latest album ('The Blue Hour', released last September) at Christmas, and quite frankly it pisses all over everything on offer here. But no - The 1975 take their second of the evening. Oh God, I hope they don't do another "message" speech like before, that was just cringey.
Winner - THE 1975
Who Really Ought to Have Won - 'I Love a Party' (Russ Abbot)
Whitehall is at Dua Lipa's table, who either has a really, REALLY young boyfriend or it's her little brother. Surely it's past his bedtime? Whitehall tries to swap dads with her, and calls his own dad a "White Walker". As nice as Dua Lipa is, she appears to be wearing Christmas decorations as earrings. Again, we can forgive her for this. I bet her brother has had a sneaky few swigs of wine this evening. A live performance now from The 1975, and my wife raises a very valid point: why are they called The 1975, when none of the band look old enough to have been around then? 1995, very possibly. Apparently the band name was inspired by "scribblings in the back of a book of poetry by Jack Kerouac", which is possibly the wankiest explanation for a band name in the history of recorded music. I have to say, having heard a song by them now, it wouldn't make me rush out and stockpile their entire back catalogue in readiness for Brexit. It's the sort of music they play in Next or Gap.
Next is the highly anticipated Outstanding Contribution Award, which we honestly have no idea who it is going to. Who can it be? Do you know? Does the crowd at the Millennium Dome? Shall we find out?
OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION TO MUSIC
And...(drumroll)...
Wait for it...
Wait for it......
Wait for it..........
IT'S PINK! Or is it still P!nk? (That exclamation mark is all-important).
Pink has sort of always been there, hasn't she? A bit like the sitcom 'Friends', Nicholas Witchell off the BBC News, and Bounty bars, she is a dependable part of modern-day society. However, just like 'Friends', Nicholas Witchell and Bounty, you'd not really miss her all that much if, one day, you woke up and Pink had mysteriously disappeared. Not in a sort of alien abduction or uncharacteristically going missing on her post-Sunday dinner walk sort of a way, but literally disappeared. Poof! Gone. All her music would still be here, on the CD racks of the few remaining branches of HMV or causing a digital footprint on the streaming services, but with no possibility of any new material coming out. Would you shed a tear? Would you really? Likewise, how many people has Pink inspired to become musicians or singers? She's not been about for that long in the grand scheme of things really, and is she really going to prove to be a more influential figure than the likes of Whitney Houston? Aretha Franklin? Diana Ross? I'd maybe consider handing her this award in about thirty years' time if she's stood up to the test of time, but come off it. Really? While we're at it, let's pug an award in the direction of Daphne & Celeste, surely they deserve something? At least she's here to accept the award, but has seen fit to come dressed in a big gold tarpaulin, as if hiding some sort of David Cronenberg-esque body horror.
Winner - Pink
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Clare Grogan from Altered Images
Looks like they're not going to bother giving out the Critic's Choice Award, because we only have about four minutes left. Poor Sam Fender. Ah well, we'll cover the award, just so he doesn't feel left out. I bet he's sat there, looking at his watch, sweating and thinking: "Shit, the bastards are going to leave me out. I'll be mentioned during the end credits as one of those "Awards Presented Earlier"...oh wait, no!! They've left him to the VERY end! Christ, that was close! Sam has not brushed his hair, probably because he thought he wasn't going to be featured. He's also not bothered putting a tie on, and babbles on about projectile vomiting. He seems quite pissed.
CRITICS' CHOICE AWARD
Sam Fender? No, sorry. Is he the one that makes the guitars?
Winner - Sam Fender
Who Really Ought to Have Won - Ylvis (them what did the song 'What Does the Fox Say?')
We cut to a break, but I'm not sure if there's anything else to come. Apparently Pink is performing live, but we don't need to see that, do we? Do we? I've got a numb arse and really need a piss. Fuck Pink, my bladder is more important than hearing her sing.
Well everyone, I hope you enjoyed that. Especially if you didn't bother watching the show and just read this instead, which to be fair, probably took you just as long. Sorry if it was a bit waffly. It's a side-effect of being a fast typist. Be sure to leave us a comment with your thoughts on the show, or not, if you're a bit of a bastard. Roll on BRITs 2020!!! I can hardly wait.
Oh wait, actually I can.
Commentary by
P.T. Muscutt